Wednesday, February 10, 2010

There's an autocrat in my belly, and its name is Self.

I have found an autocrat living inside of me. It goes by the name of Self. Self has somehow remained nearly undetected in spite of the fact that it is determined to exercise absolute authority over my life. Most of the times that I have felt the most selfless and charitable have been when Self is satisfied. Self doesn't mind me doing things for other people as long as It is taken care of first. The trouble occurs when Self is not satisfied. When Self is not satisfied, it rears its ugly head, and all of a sudden I am no longer seeking to meet other people's needs. Self steps up, pulls in the reins and demands that I satisfy its desires. And the killer thing is, I often obey.

I'm currently reading Rees Howells, Intercessor and haven't been able to get past Chapter 5: "The Holy Spirit Takes Possession." At this point in Rees' life he had been a believer for a few years, and the Lord was coming to collect what Rees had promised him: his life. For the first time, Rees had an encounter with the Holy Spirit, who explained to him:

"I am God, and I am come to ask you to give your body to Me that I may work through it. I need a body for My temple, but it must belong to Me without reserve, for two persons with different wills can never live in the same body. Will you give Me yours?" And then He said "But if I come in, I come as God, and you must go out. I shall not mix Myself with your self."

The question Rees came to after struggling with giving up the areas of Self that the Lord highlighted was "How can self be willing to give up self?" The Holy Spirit had a good answer: "Are you willling for Me to make you willing?" It was enough. Rees was willing. As soon as Rees made the decision to give up Self completely, the Holy Spirit came in to possess him completely, and he became a new man.

I want Self to be completely eradicated from my heart, motivations and life. It will take the work of the Holy Spirit to show me where Self is currently ruling, and it will take His help to be willing to lose my Self-will entirely. But I am willing to be made willing.